Flow

Life has a funny way of surprising you. When you really want something you won't get it and when you finally decide you can do without, faith steps onto your path.

I came up to a point that I decided I needed some flow in my life. The summer holidays were here and I felt like I finally could relax. I felt like I wanted a place in my house that showed who I was, a place where I can pin down my feelings, ideas and wishes. And so I made this beautiful pin-board. And of course it isn't complete, but that takes time, just like my life is still evolving.
Than I decided to plan my summer: things that I would do and things that I wouldn't do. My life felt at ease and for the first time in a long while I felt complete again. I didn't need more than just me, myself and I. And then there was faith, screwing my life up (in a nice way). Even though I have been telling all my friends and family that I wanted to stay on my own for a while I now find myself under the enchantment of the sweetest man I've ever known.

Grumpy

I have been in the weirdest mood for the last few days. Everything sucks! The weather, my clothes, my job, my friends and especially my mood. On top of that I had to study for a resit. Well guess what...?! That didn't happen. So not only do I feel very grumpy, but also majorly guilty for not studying. What is it in life that we inflict ourselves with these feelings, neatly fitting into a box. I am so sick of fitting in that box. Life is too short to be boring!!

So the first thing I'm going to do is to try and get out of this horrible grumpy mood. Don't yet know how, but I'm a clever girl, so I'm sure I'll figure it out.

Essay stress

All week I have been dreading this: writing my essay. It has haunted me in my sleep, especially last night, I kept waking up and thinking: 'oh, but what if I change this sentence into that'. The most horrible feeling. The reason why I was so horrified about this essay was because I just couldn't find the right angle, my head was a big mess of tangling wires that all went into a different direction. And all of them were impossible to link. Several sessions at school, where I had to lay down my ideas, were fruitless and only made the wires more tangled.
On top of that my ex-boyfriend moved out and that made it impossible for me to concentrate on anything for longer than 15 minutes. Luckily I still have my friends. I imagine I drove my friend Sarah crazy by calling her half the weekend. But despite that and my hell-weekend I finished my essay!!!

Empty emotions

I hate him!! I hate the fact that he brought a girl to help pick up his stuff!! I hate the fact that he hurt me!! I hate the fact that he used me!! I hate everything about him and still I am sad...

Slowly dying is this love inside of me. Slipping away like water through my fingers. The empty hole that is left is increasing in size..growing and growing unil it fills up every corner of my soul.
In it's crushing progress it kills all my joy. Oh, how I wish I could hide myself in the deepest, darkest corners of my soul.

Selflessness

Why do we keep taking ourselves out of the equation?
What is the purpose in our lives if we don't live them the way we want to?
How can it be that I know exactly what I want in life, but i'm still not able to make it count. I behave in ways that pleases other people. I put myself in a box, labeled by others and for what purpose.
A friend gave me some very wise words today: "Selflessness is one of the most admirable traits someone can have, but a certain level of behavior rooted in a healthy respect for oneself is necessary."
Hearing this, I totally agree with her, but now comes the hard part: How will I be able to incorporate this in my every day life? It is not in my nature to be selfish and it can be a very bad quality in a person if overdone, so where is the balance?

It's complicated

It only strikes me now, when I am all grown up, that life is complicated. Thinking back, remembering my childhood, it all seemed so easy. No bills, no work, no relationships. Life was plain, or so it seemed, but the world of a child is never plain. It is as if they look at the world through different eyes, eyes that change over the years and start to miss all the subtle details of the world.
Every now and then it feels so wonderdul to just go out and take a hike or go for a run and look at the world around you. Take the time to see and not rush by on our way from one point to the next. Have a good look at the sparrow that rolls through the warm sand and feel the power of the waves in an autumn storm. Let these things amaze you, go back to your roots and even though maybe for a moment, life will feel blissfully uncomplicated.